It’s bizarre to think that this time almost 3 months ago I was in the hospital beginning my first round of chemo.  It’s unbelievable to think that in a few hours I would wake u pane be violently sick all morning.  At the time it felt like the end of the world but here, 3 months on, it feels more like a bad dream than a reality.

The past two days have been pretty non-eventful.  I’ve continued to “take it easy”, staying at home to give my immune system time to recover and mostly resting.  Tomorrow will be my first day of venturing out to a coffee shop I think.  Although I’ve not drank coffee since I started chemo and most days the thought of it turns my stomach.  We’ll see what happens but I might be settling for hot milk!

Next week will be a busy week.  We have a lot kicking off with ministry here, a few things that I’m heavily involved in.  I’ll be keeping the hours low for the time being to give myself a chance to recover.  But I’m looking forward to diving back in.  What a blessing it is to be in the “recovery phase”.  woohoo.

To Him be the Glory!

So… my big CT scan appointment is Friday 17th of February @ 8.45am

The hope with this scan is that the swollen lymph nodes have gone back to normal.  If you want to, you can join me in praying that the cancer is all gone and the lymph nodes are back to their normal size.

Today, overall was a good day.  Although… I’m not the antibiotics I’m on.  They have a warning on the bottle that you can’t have milk or dairy products for 2 hrs before or after you take the pills (it stops them from working?!).  The worst thing about this is that I’ve to take the pills at 8am and 10pm.  So… no milk/dairy 6-10am or 8-12pm.  Now… if you’ve been around me any length of time you know that I drink about a Gallon of milk a day, and much of that is at breakfast time and before bed.  So the key times I’m reaching for the milk carton… I can’t have it.  (Actually, last night I woke up about 4am just to go and down a pint of milk.  It’s like an addiction!)  The course of antibiotics is only 5 days so I’ll cope… but man, I hate not being able to drink milk!

It feels so nice to be home again.  My blood levels and temperatures were back to normal by this morning so they sent me home with some oral antibiotics.

I have to say… as much as I was frustrated to end up back in hospital, I am VERY thankful that the doctors are so cautious.

Neutropenia (low neutrophil count – a white blood cell particularly important for fighting infection) is a common side-effect of chemotherapy.  For the days I’m in hospital receiving the chemo drugs, they are killing every fast-reproducing cell in my body (eg. hair, white blood cells, sperm, and of course cancer).  The chemo drugs really cause my immune system to tank (I’m taking that as a good thing and an indicator of the destruction it’s likewise causing to the cancer cells).

The last couple of cycles have seen my neutrophil level tank (which was why they gave me the pain-inflicting G-CSF injections previously).

Well, whenever I leave the hospital I’m always given some important reminders… one of them being that if my temperature goes above 38c I should call the ward.  As you read yesterday that’s what happened.

But why send me to A&E?

Well, there is a thing known as neutropenic sepsis.  Basically, you catch an infection which your body is unable to fight.  This particular condition has a 4-30% mortality rate… hence their extreme caution and quick action.  (Aren’t you glad they’re so cautious?!)

They want to catch any infection and aid your body to prevent it getting anywhere close to sepsis.  So, fired off to A&E… when I was given the superheroes of the antibiotic world.  They sent me back to The Beatson so the specialists there could keep an eye on me and continue to give me the necessary antibiotics.

The blood tests showed no obvious source of infection (common for 40% of patients), my temperature stayed at a normal level, and my neutrophils have increased.  So they let me come home after giving me a final THE FINAL G-CSF injection and some oral antibiotics.

I’m glad it’s done.  I’m glad they were cautious.  I’m glad I’m home.  And I’m praying hard for a nice clear CT scan result in February.

To Him be the glory!!!

I woke up this morning and didn’t feel great. I felt that am-I-going-to-be-sick? Feeling and so headed toward the bathroom. I stood there not quite sure what I was feeling and then… BARF!

I got really hot and sweaty so took my temperature… 38.3c. All through chemo I’ve been told if my temperature hits 38c phone the ward. So I did. The nurse asked a few questions, called the doc and phoned me back…

you need to go to a&e (translation: ER) and get blood tests done

*sigh*

Then I did something a bit stupid. I waited and took my temperature again… It had dropped back down to 37.7c so I decided I wouldn’t bother with a&e so went back to bed.

I woke about 12.30 in a sweat again so checked my temp… 38.3c. “I guess I should head to a&e”

Then I got a phone call from Mon after church. She’d spoken to a couple of doctors at church who both said I HAD to get to a&e. So much so that one of them drive Mon home and picked me up and took me to a&e.

What’s the problem? My white blood cells. Each time I’ve had chemo my white blood cells have tanked. They say to phone in if your temperature is over 38 because if your temp is thy high it’s an indication that my body is struggling to fight something.

So I arrow at a&e about 1pm. I explained my situation and they quickly put me in a wee isolated room to ensure I was away from any bugs.

They took my blood and urine sample…. Sent me for a chest X-ray… And starting pumping me with antibiotics to help fight whatever my body is trying to fight.

Annoyingly though something wasn’t quite working with the patient transport and I lay there for 5 hrs waiting to get driven over to the Beatson. Some heated phonecalls were made and eventually an ambulance came to get me!!!

So now I’m at the Beatson after a long day at a&e. They’ve examined me both places and everything seems “normal”. Hopefully the antibiotics will do their job and I’ll get home soon. (although they may have to keep me in for a couple of days).

It was weird being back at a&e. It was Halloween that I spent the day there and this whole crazy journey began.

HOPEFULLY this is the last of it. I’ve been so frustrated today having to come back in for treatment. But… He is still good… And He is still on the throne!

To Him be the glory!!!!

FINALLY! We’re done. NO MORE INJECTIONS! (I hope?!) I had my last G-CSF injection this afternoon. And… I’m feeling it. The pain is nowhere near as immobilising as the last time, but I’m certainly feeling a major amount of discomfort in my lower back and hips. I’ve taken paracetamol and am debating whether to grab the codeine!

I did something today that I’ve not done in a LONG time… I made my to do list and got through almost everything on it. It’s a nice “normal” feeling to get some goals accomplished. I took down a sign at church, installed the new wireless printer, updated the app, sent a few emails… all-in-all a feel-good day.

I’ve been asked by the staff at the hospital to take part in a 6-week “RESTART” program that will start sometime in February. It’s a Research Project looking at how to effectively rehabilitate testicular cancer patients and so I’ve told them I’m happy to be involved. They’re looking at the effect of exercise and nutrition on the recovery time of patients, as well as seminars geared towards things like post-cancer life insurance, and how to effectively start back at work. I like being able to help out and give feedback on these sorts of things and I’m sure the information will be really helpful.

It’s just nice to be thinking about getting back to work. My plan is to start back officially at the end of the month with about 15-20hrs. If that tires me out too much I’ll step it back a bit. If I do ok with that then I’ll see about increasing that so that I’m closer to my usual 40 by the end of February. Obviously I don’t want to push myself and end up slowing my recovery. So I’ll be quick to duck out of things if I feel that my body isn’t coping.

Another few days of staying at home seeing as my immune system is so low, but I’m REALLY looking forward to getting back out into the real world. I miss my favourite coffee shop… Rudi’s… and all the awesome staff there! It’ll just be nice to have some “normal” again.

The chemo is over. The medicine is finished. The recovery begins!

To Him be the glory!!!!

Today was the day!  My last does of chemo.  It felt good walking in knowing it was the last one.  I almost felt guilty when getting my blood taken… listening to another patient explain that she’s done 7 cycles and has more to go, while I was able to say “this is my final one”.  Compared to some people, I’ve had it really easy!

I was a bit bummed when I received the first phone call from the hospital… “your white blood cells are really low again, we have to put you back on the G-CSF injections for a few days”.  NOOOOOOOOOO!  In case you’ve forgotten, those are the injections that make your bone marrow swell up so it feels like your bones are exploding inside your body.  Fortunately, it’s just two days… today and tomorrow… and I have plenty of the painkillers left over from last month so they shouldn’t bother me too much.

So far, I’m feeling icky… sore head, sore back, cold/shivery… that’s the normal reaction to the bleomycin.  It’s hard to tell if the pain is just the bleomycin or if the G-CSF is kicking in as well.  I’m trying not to take the painkillers if I don’t need them, so I’ll hold off a bit longer seeing as I’m about to go to bed anyway.

I’m done!  No more chemo!  To quote Jesus: “it is finished”.  Just one more injection tomorrow from my wife and that’s me.

Now I’m just waiting on the date of the scan which will hopefully say that everything is back to normal.

Trusting Him with the results.

To Him be the glory!

(Cycle 3: Day 14)

Tomorrow is the big day… my LAST chemo injection.  The last 3 months are a blur.  I remember sitting in hospital just after my first cycle began.  I was throwing up violently and thinking “How will I get through this?”  I remember being 4 or 5 days in, feeling terrible and all I could think was “58 more days???  I don’t think I can do this”.  And here I am, tomorrow I get my last injection.  This chapter is almost closed.

It’s nice knowing what to expect.  Bloods taken.  Meet doc.  Head home.  Get a phone call.  Head back to hospital.  Get jag.  Head home.  Wait 4-6 hrs.  Feel a wee bit flu-ey (and I really don’t get this very badly at all).  Take paracetamol.  Go to bed.  Feel fine the next day.

But that’s me!  The treatment is almost over.

This whole blog-it-all-don’t-hold-back has been a strange but eye-opening experience.  I’ve always been a fairly private person.  I share what I want to share and I keep the rest to myself.  With this process it was clear that I needed to put that aside and be an OPEN BOOK.  God said: “the louder you shout it, the more glory I get”.  And so I’ve shouted loud.  I’ve held nothing back.  I’ve been more open and vulnerable than is comfortable… but you know what?  The response has been overwhelming.  I’ve received so many messages from people explaining how God has used this tough season in my life to draw them closer to Him… what more could I want?

“My power is made perfect in your weakness”

says God.  And it sure is.  May I always shout my weakness loudly so that His power will be seen in all it’s perfection.

To Him be the glory!

Today was another good day.  I didn’t eat have to eat breakfast right away when I woke up which I’ve been having to do.  Within 10 minutes of stirring awake, if I don’t eat something I’ve been feeling sick.  I spent time reading (you have no idea how relieved I am to be able to read again without feeling nauseated) and then got prepped for dinner and my two read through groups.  Although it’s not the best thing to do, I skipped lunch… and I didn’t feel sick!!!!!  That’s a big deal because usually if I don’t eat within 30 mins of lunch time I feel awful for most of the rest of the day.

Again, I’m tired.  I’m still not able to jump round to coffee shops as my immune system is back at it’s lowest this week.

Only 2 more days until my last injection.  woooooooo!

To God be the glory!

(Day 50)  -  On Thursday morning we went to the hospital thinking we’d miscarried at 7 weeks.  And left thrilled that not only was everything ok, but we’d reached the point where we could TELL PEOPLE!

(Day 51) - On Friday morning we announced our pregnancy to our team at our Staff Breakfast (right before I ran out the door for my injection)

Day 52

On Saturday we’d decided to shoot the email to our intercession team and supporters, so spent the morning writing that and feeling pretty good.  I had a visitor in the afternoon which was really nice but then spent the rest of the day feeling pretty rough (I had back pain and headache and sicky feelings… which was probably the delayed side-effects of yesterday’s injection which happen any time within 24hrs of the jag).

Day 53

For some reason on Sunday morning Mon and I woke up at 4.30am and couldn’t get back to sleep, so we just lay in bed talking and laughing until we got up for church.  Despite the crazy early start I felt REALLY good.  Today we’d announce the pregnancy to the church!

One of my favourite parts of our church service is our “share time”.  It’s an open mic time where people in the church get to testify to the ways they have seen God moving in their life through the week and is always filled with fun stories.  I decided to share the story much the way it was in the blog… beginning with our wrestle with the idea of infertility and finishing with the good news.  As I was sharing about our wrestles I was extremely moved by the number of tear-filled faces looking at me.  And then when I said we were 10 weeks pregnant I thought the roof was going to blow off.  The place exploded in whoops and cheers and applause to God (which set Mon’s taps a-running and got me pretty choked up).  I know that our church has been praying for us through this whole process, but it wasn’t until I watched them weep that I realised just how much they are walking in our pain with us.  And I was on cloud 9 to see them all as excited as we were at what God had done.

By the time the evening service rolled around we were WIPED OUT.  But we shared again and rejoiced with the other members of our church before heading home to collapse on our beds.  Before we could get to sleep though… it was time to SCREAM IT TO THE WORLD!  Then zzzZZZ!

Day 54

Yesterday really took it out of me so I was pretty out of it today.  I slept later.  Then somehow manage to get timing mixed up so that I missed lunch which left me feeling pretty sick and miserable until a few hours after I’d eaten.  (Mental note… don’t do that again).

Today has been a pretty amazing day emotionally… it has been overwhelming to see the response to our news, and just like yesterday at church, it’s been an eye-opener to realise just how closely you have all been walking with us over the past months.

Something about my blog has really bothered me.  Wordpress have great statistics on their site, letting you know how many people visit daily, where in the world from, your busiest days and posts etc.  Nice and clear on the control panel is the busiest day.  For years my busiest day was a day back in 2006 when loads of people read my blog entry about a Switchfoot gig I went to.

It was replaced recently.  And for the past few months every time I log in it tells me:

Your busiest day was Nov 19 2011 when 935 viewed your post “I HAVE CANCER??!”

That has actually really bothered me.  I kept thinking, what will I ever write about that would have 1000 people read my blog in one day?  For the rest of my blogging life, every time I log in I’ll be reminded of Cancer Day.

But God cares about the little things.  I posted the announcement last night at 23:30 and by midnight 224 people had read it.  That seemed like a lot in a short amount of time.  But the counter resets at midnight and so I wondered… what are the chances of ANOTHER 936 people reading it tomorrow?  NO WAY.  So I have been glued to my stats most of the day.

Midnight just past and my dashboard reads:

Your busiest day was Jan 16 2012 when 1,485 viewed your post “I can’t believe it… WE’RE PREGNANT”

He didn’t just give me 936 to wipe it clean… He totally blew it out of the water.  And for me the stats are a good picture of the reality of our situation.  He’s taken the joy of our pregnancy and blown our cancer struggle out of the water.  How gracious our God is that He’d even bless me by removing the stain on my control panel?!?!?!

And don’t get me started on the emails and messages I’ve been receiving all day.  I’ll share some another day.

Thanks for weeping when we wept and dancing when we danced.

To Him be the glory!

Wow.  Where to start?!  Settle down coz I want to explain this in full because I think it gives God most glory when you see the fuller picture…

One of the hardest things about the cancer diagnosis has been the way it’s affected our plans for a family.  For a while now Mon and I had thought about trying to make a baby this summer, and so it was with shock that I first received the news that I had testicular cancer, that I would have to be operated on, and undergo some fairly intensive chemo.  We were informed that chemotherapy commonly affects fertility in men my age… and that it is possible that after chemo I will be unable to have children.

*two hearts broke*

(As part of the NHS system we were informed about sperm banking and other options that could help for the future.  Which brought to light a whole load of other personal ad theological dilemmas as we tried to process that more fully)

As we got closer to the start of treatment we were given more information… that we MUST NOT attempt to get pregnant while undergoing chemo as my sperm could damage Monica and render her infertile… and on the off chance a pregnancy happened there would be MAJOR complications as the chemotherapy damages the sperm, causing significant damage to the embryo.  That means from finishing chemo we would have to wait a MINIMUM of 1 year before we’re allowed to even start trying to have a family.  And then we’d have to try unsuccessfully for at least a year before they consider exploring infertility issues and solutions.

This has probably been the toughest part of the process for us, as having a family has been such a huge desire of ours.  We both brought things before the Lord and laid it all before Him.  ”Whatever the cost!” is part of our mantra… and as with all costs we’ve paid so far, we gave in to the Holy Spirit and allowed Him to take the burden from us as we laid things at the feet of Jesus.

TRUST.

There was a 5 day window between my surgery recovery and starting chemo and we decided to take a chance and “try”.  We got very excited and very hopeful, praying constantly asking God to be gracious to us and allow us to have a child.  You can imagine our disappointment when we got 2 negative results on pregnancy tests over the next few weeks.

We reached the point of FAITH TESTING.  I almost got to the point of despair… “we’ll never have kids, the chemo will mess with my fertility and we’ll not be able to”.  But I felt convicted of my lack of faith.

I can trust God to provide money, to move in our ministry, to bless us materially…. why can’t I trust Him to guard our fertility?

Time to trust God and pray.  This situation is no different to any other faith test I’ve walked through.  Why wallow in despair when we serve a God who all through the Bible opens barren wombs and protects those He loves from calamity?  So we decided to pray…

God, we trust you!  This will all happen in your timing and in your way. 

There has been extra emotional turmoil along the way as we walk with other friends of ours.  Some, got pregnant and we rejoiced in the midst of our grieving.  Others are struggling to conceive and we joined them in their pain.  Others are grieving miscarriage and our hearts break with them.

Just before Christmas Monica wasn’t feel well.  I was standing in the kitchen cooking when she walked through from the bathroom with a puzzled look on her face… she sat a pregnancy test on the counter that seemed to be POSITIVE??  NO WAY?!?

But where we would normally have been thrilled… we were terrified.  What if something goes wrong?  I don’t know if we can deal with a miscarriage on top of coping with cancer.  We can’t tell anyone… it’ll be hard enough dealing with it without worrying about everyone else’s response. And so we kept our mouths shut. (*lack of faith*).  We decided we wouldn’t mention anything until we hit the 9 or 10 week point so we could be more certain that things we ok.

Last week was TOUGH!  We were estimating 7 weeks… and Mon came in to tell me she was experiencing spotting and cramping.  She looked online and all her symptoms were similar to miscarriage, so she phoned the doctor… who made her an appointment at the Early Pregnancy Clinic at the hospital… things didn’t look good.

That was Wednesday.

We went in to the hospital in the morning, extremely nervous but once again holding fast to the Truth… God is on the Throne and His will is best whether we understand it in the moment or not.  God is on the Throne whether the result is good or bad.

*pointing* that there is the heartbeat… you’re around 10 weeks pregnant

WE ARE 10 WEEKS PREGNANT 

AND

EVERYTHING IS GOOD AND HEALTHY!

Needless to say there were tears shed.

We are excited and in shock.  We are a mix of emotions as we continue to process the emotional ups and downs of the last few months.  We are rejoicing with our newly pregnant friends but feel an even greater burden of pain (and hope) as we grieve with our friends who are also struggling through similar things.

We are truly amazed at God in this.  We had a 5 day window from Mon coming off birth control to me starting chemo… and He has intervened to make those 5 days enough.

In the midst of this the dark season He’s placed a light reminding us that He is the Light and the Life. 

Once again, God moves in a seemingly impossible situation to blow our narrow minds open and to show how much bigger He is than the apparent storms we face.

We now have one more feather in the cap of God’s faithful love and abundant blessings.

TO HIM BE THE GLORY!!!